Conversations with Parolees

I started a ministry with my father two years ago. It is in affiliation with Prison Fellowship Ministries, a nationwide organization dedicated mainly to mentoring prisoners then following up with them once they are out. Our focus is a bit different. We mentor to people who are out now, trying to re-enter a society that does not want them. The experience has been amazing. They teach us more than we teach them! Our goal is to introduce them to God’s love and forgiveness through Christ’s work on the cross, while at the same time giving them practical tools to use in their everyday struggles. We are not counselors, we are coaches and mentors.

Here is a transcript of a few conversations that took place this past year (to the best of my recollection):

Something Good:

Mentor: When you die, on your tombstone will read the day you were born, a dash, and the day you died. What, if anything, do you want that dash to represent?

Parolee: I don’t know. Something good. I want to be remembered for the good things I’ve done. Not the bad. I’m tired of being remembered for the bad.

Mentor: What is “something good?”

Parolee: Staying clean. Loving my kids. Making my wife happy. Supporting my family. That’s something good. This might be the wrong reason, but I see myself walking my baby girl to school, holding her hand, and someone says, “See that beautiful girl? Too bad her dad’s a meth cooker.” I don’t want them to be able to say that.

Mentor: That is definitely not a wrong reason.

*Note: this parolee stayed clean for about six months after coming out of prison. He has since been violated (sent to Technical Violators Program or to prison for violating a condition of his probation, i.e. “peeing dirty” (failing a drug test)) three times, abandoned his wife and 6 month old daughter, moved in with another woman (also a meth addict) and has been cooking meth ever since.

I Need a Change:

Mentor (to new member): Tell us why you’ve joined us. Why are you here?

Parolee: I just turned 33. I’ve been in an out of prison since I was 14. I got five girls and a wife. My girls are 7 to 13. They’re all old enough to know what I’m doing. I just got out three weeks ago and I’m tired of being gone from them. They need me. I need a change. My way ain’t working, so I need a new way. They told me y’all might help me find it.

Mentor: We’ll certainly try. Welcome to our group.

*Note: this parolee has relapsed three times and been violated twice. He is out again, working, but still drinks, uses meth, and is physically and emotionally abusive to his wife. She chooses to stay with him. He no longer attends our group.

It's Positive in Here:

Parolee: I don’t know why I keep coming here. I feel like a hypocrite. Tomorrow night I’ll be drinkin’ or smokin’ weed with my buds. But I gotta have something good in my life. I ain’t got nothin’ else good. I can’t find a job. I got no money. I got no car. I want to just go steal again to pay the rent. But I can’t go back to jail.

Mentor: What makes you keep showing up each week?

Parolee: I don’t know. I try not to come but something tells me I need to. It’s positive in here. Today some dude was givin’ me a hard time and I wanted to smash his face in. I wanted to beat him down. But I can’t go back again. But I’m so damned mad all the time I can’t stand it. This place is, I don’t know, positive.

Mentor: Guess what? I’ll tell you in front of the group. You have a job. You report tomorrow for your interview and start Monday. I talked to _______ Co. downtown, and they said they would be willing to hire you if I would vouch for you. Full time, with benefits. Congratulations! (intermittent claps and praises from around the room)

Parolee (with mouth literally open and tears in his eyes): I don’t even know what to say.

*Note: this parolee dropped out of the group. We do not know where he lives or works.

I'll Be Here When You Come Back:

Mentor: You gave up crack and alcohol over a year ago. Do you even crave it anymore?

Parolee: No. It’s gone. I don’t even think about it.

Mentor: Why not? What changed?

Parolee: God is all I need now. I don’t need that stuff anymore.

Mentor: So, what do you tell a guy who wants to change, wants to do right, but he just can’t kick the habit? I mean, he’s begged and pleaded for help; cried and told me he wants to be different; gone to rehab; started going to church again. Then, a week later, he’s high or drunk and beating on his wife. What do you tell him?

Parolee: I’d tell him ‘How many times are you gonna go down that road? How many times are you gonna turn your back?’

Mentor: But you’ve asked him that fifty times, and he always says ‘no more.’ So what do you do now? Give up on him? Kick him to the curb? Does there come a time when you just let him go?

Parolee: (shaking his head emphatically) No. I mean you gotta let him make those choices. But you don’t ever give up on him. You never let him go. That man is where I was a few years ago. And look at me now. Y'all didn’t give up on me when I came here and was depressed and wanted to commit suicide. So don’t give up on him either. Just love him and let him know you’ll be there when he turns back around.

Mentor: Good stuff. That’s exactly what I told him. I’ll be here when you come back.

*Note: this parolee lives in his own apartment, has a full-time job with benefits, has bought a car and regained his license, acquired his GED, attends church every week, and is a positive force in all our lives.

Yes. Maybe. I Don't Know:

Mentor: Where is God in your life right now?

Parolee: He’s up there. I mean I know he’s there. But I don’t involve him too much.

Mentor: Why not? Don’t you think he could help?

Parolee: Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.

Mentor: Do you believe God loves us?

Parolee: Yes.

Mentor: Do you believe Jesus died on the cross so that God would forgive our sins?

Parolee: Yes. (head lowers and hands fidget)

Mentor: You just don’t believe God loves you or Christ died for your sins. Right?

Parolee: Nope. I don’t. I don’t see how it’s possible.

Mentor: (laughing) Don’t get the big head now. Your sins aren’t any more special than mine or anyone else’s! The difference in you and me is that I know I’m not worthy of the cross. You’re still trying to be. Just realize that none of us are, and accept it anyway. It’s a gift. Remember?

Parolee: (smiling) I’ll try.

*Note: this parolee accepted Christ as his Savior two weeks ago. He has a new job, and new perspective, and a new purpose. He still struggles and needs your prayers.

Back to Reality:

From the visitation room at the Faulkner county detention center. Parolee has been in for 6 weeks awaiting trial.

Mentor: You doing okay?

Parolee: I’m making it. It’s easy to find Jesus in here ‘cause you don’t have much else to find. We have a bible study that I attend and it helps me. I want to change my life and I know only God can do that. I hope he will. I’m tired of this circle I’ve been living.

Mentor: How do you pray?

Parolee: I pray that God will protect me. I pray he will protect my girlfriend. I pray for the others in here and the guards. I pray for the judge and attorney. I pray for you and the others, too.

Mentor: We have been praying for you, too, but now I will know how to pray better – I am going to pray that Jesus reveals himself to you in a way you have never known before. Do you understand that?

Parolee: I think so.

Mentor: I will pray that you will find a relationship with Jesus that begins with sharing in his death. You should understand that in his death you, and I, were given the only chance to really live. But when you know that the cross is his work for your salvation, then you must want to share in the cross with him. To do that you will have to ask God to reveal to you that which needs to die on that cross. And when he begins to show you, then you let it die and start to see how good life can be.

After a 30 minute visit, the parolee placed his hands in the mentor’s, and they bowed and prayed. He raised his head with a smile on his face. Then the guard opened the door and exclaimed, "Time's up! Let's go!"

Back to reality...back to the cell...back to the consequences. That's okay, though, we all have to deal with reality. But doing it with Christ as our protector is much easier.

*Note: this parolee is now in prison and is up for parole in about six months. He will get married while he’s there, and is looking forward to coming out and rejoining the group. Pray that a change occurs in him.

You Just Check Out:

Mentor: So what made you stop smoking pot this last time? Did you just have enough? Were you tired of it? Was it a moral decision, or a financial one?

Parolee: A little of both. I didn't have any more. Couldn't afford any more. Got tired of dealing with trying to get it. You know, what if you get shorted, what if you don't get what you pay for. Then you gotta go say something to the dude, then maybe you get into a fight...It's just a hassle. It's like, all that for this? It ain't even worth it sometimes.

Mentor: What about your wife and children? Did you quit for them? Would you quit for them?

Parolee: Yeah, I guess.

Mentor: Let me ask you a harsh question: what makes you think that you can just use pot to check out when the rest of us have to deal with our problems with things like prayer, or talking it out with another person, or pain and tears...Why do you get to check out when the problems remain for others to deal with?

Parolee to his wife: Do you feel that way? Like I check out?

Parolee's wife: Yeah. It's like, you're gone to work for ten hours while I'm at home all day dealing with the kids, then you come home and smoke, and then you're done. It's like you don't care about anything...You just check out. So I don't get to talk to you about my problems, and your problems are still there, too.

Mentor to parolee: How do you act when you're high?

Parolee: I'm easier to get along with, that's for sure (laughing). That's how you know it's working!

Parolee's wife: It's not funny to me.

*Note: this conversation occurred last night. This parolee has been coming with his wife for a few months, after having attended our group alone for six months then dropping out when they had a child. He is searching for new ways to handle life. He is asking hard questions, like "How can I find something in common with my wife?" or, "How do you remove yourself from a situation when you're always in it?" (this question followed a suggestion that in order to put Christ and our loved ones first we must learn to remove ourselves from the middle of our problems, not making them all about "me," but giving them away to Christ, and putting the needs of our loved ones ahead of our own.)

The thing that astonishes me each week is that there is so much pain brought into the room. Situations exist whose depths and pain I cannot even begin to fathom. Yet, each week, from the most unexpected voice or verse or prayer, hope finds its way into the room. And once it is there it permeates our very souls. We can then trudge through the problems in front of us with a strength and confidence that we could never muster alone.

I leave Monday nights deeply affected, being simultaneously drained and invigorated, simultaneously wounded and healed, simultaneously mourning and rejoicing. To me that's what life is: near impossible circumstances met with inadequately-equipped individuals who can find triumph in Christ.

John 16:33 (NLT) "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."