Teeth, Meet Boot

Yep, it happened, once again. The past, or at least one of its representatives, kicked me in the teeth today. I knew a long time ago that the consequences of my crime would hang around forever. Today was just another reminder of that. I'd like to go into a bit more detail about my crime than I have before, so you'll understand just how ugly it was.

I had been a high school teacher at ASMSA in Hot Springs for nearly six years when my despicable acts were discovered. I was the Science Department Chair at the time, and had taught over 1,000 students, many of whom had regarded me as their favorite teacher, their friend, their confidant, or at least a person they enjoyed talking to. I was in the perfect position to do so much good. I started there in my mid-twenties, not even a decade older than them. We listened to the same music, had the same interests, and in many respects were more like buddies than teacher/students. I could have had such a powerful ministry and impact on so many people if I had just done what I was supposed to do. Instead, I took advantage of my position and ignored my responsibilities as a teacher, father, husband, man...you name it. In February of 2002 I was arrested for having an affair with a female student. A year later I was convicted of sexual assault in the 1st degree and sentenced to 6 years probation and a $15,000 fine. You know the rest (or perhaps you don't, just go back and read any number of my ramblings on the subject).

I hurt so many people. I knew then as I do now that some of the damage I had done was irreparable. But today I was reminded that ten years later that is still true. A former student reached out on our business' Facebook page and reiterated to me the sobering truth that my actions will forever have consequences. Even if I do nothing but good things for the rest of my days, that fact will never change.

I never had the forum to offer an apology to those I hurt. And I suppose this isn't much of one, with all of my six followers and handful of readers. But it's worth a shot.

To you that I hurt: I'm so very sorry. I'm so sorry I blamed anyone but myself for what I had done. I'm so sorry I let you down. I'm so sorry I ever entered the halls of that institution. I'm so sorry for who I was, and that I will forever where his face.

I pray for your forgiveness, but don't expect it. I wish I could undo it, but I cannot. I can only promise you this: I will continue to make every effort to be a positive influence in people's lives, and try to demonstrate that someone who caused the pain I did, on such a widespread scale, can do something right.

God's grace is the only reason I'm alive today, and I'll be damned if I don't do something useful with that fact. I have, and will, make a positive difference, because God saw fit, despite my efforts to end it all, to keep me around for some reason. And I will not take that for granted.

It's About Time

That's right, it's about time. It's about time I quit hearing, seeing, and ignoring the invitations that come at me everyday. In fact, ever since I was created in my mother's womb with that Y chromosome, I was invited, invited to be a man. When I was allowed to date that girl at the age of 13, and all the ones after, I was invited to be a man. When I was offered my first beer as a teenager, unknowingly opening up 20 plus years of alcohol abuse, I was invited to be a man. When I played give and take with something too precious to ever get back, I was invited to be a man. When I said my vows two separate times, taking the wheel of two train wrecks I called marriages, I was invited to be a man. When I watched my two beautiful children being born, I was invited to be a man. When I traded doing the right thing for selfishness, I was invited, and once again ignored the opportunity to be a man.

I can count on one hand the moments in my life where I truly accepted the invitation, the invitation from God, not the one the world spits at me every second of every day, to be a man. The times I ignored that same invitation are innumerable. The times I accepted the world's invitation are immeasurable.

A dear friend of mine mentioned today that one of his biggest regrets was not finishing his Eagle Scout status in high school. Praise be to God that there are men out there whose biggest regret is that. I truly have more regrets than I have moments of which I'm proud, yet I am still invited. That same dear friend extended to me, along with fifty or so other men, God's invitation to be a man today, an authentic man. I've been invited to be a man in the lives of my children, in the lives of those around me, in my actions, my words, my thoughts, my behavior, and my life.

It's no coincidence that invitation was extended to me today. I was convicted a month ago at a discipleship conference that I had ignored it for too long. It's no coincidence I finally made it to a men's breakfast at 8:00 am on a Saturday with two children in my care and a whole list of reasons not to go. I kicked it aside and made time, instead of performing a cowardly search for time that I know I don't have. It's no coincidence, it's my duty.

I will not sit idly by and watch my duties as a father and man get handed off to others because I won't step up and take them on myself. That's right, it's about time...

...to be a man. Straining, striving, pressing towards the goal. Forgetting what is behind. Being what I was created to be.

I accept.